Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word, maybe this could explain: 

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do -- you forward jokes. 

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes. 

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, You forward jokes. 

To let you know that: you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, you are still wanted, guess what you get? A forwarded joke from me. 

So my friend, next time if you get a joke, don't think that I have sent you just a joke, but that I have thought of you today.

and that sums up this whole page......

Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she decided to call a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him:
"I'll leave the key under the mat.
Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.  By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus.  He won't bother you.
But whatever you do, do NOT talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
But the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant cursing, yelling, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself an longer and yelled:

"Shut up already, stupid bird!"

To which the parrot replied:

"Go get him, Brutus!

Two guys are sitting in a bar drinking beer at the top of the  Empire State  Building when one turns to the other and says:

"You know Last week I  discovered  that if you jump from the top of this building by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they will car ry you around the building and into the window" 

The bartender shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. 

The 2nd man says: 

"What are you, a nut?  There is no way in hell that could happen." 

The 1st man claims:

"No, it's true - let me prove it to you." 

So he gets up from the bar, jumps from the balcony and careens to the street below.  When he passes the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and into a back window on the 10th floor.  He takes an elevator  back up to the bar. 

The 2nd man claims:

"You know I saw that with my own eyes, but I still don't believe it.  It must be a fluke." 

The 1st man says:

"No I will prove it to you again."

So once again he jumped from the top of the building, hurling himself toward the street.  Then a the 10th floor, the winds gently carried him around the building into an open window.  Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 

So the 2nd man says:

"What the heck, I know it works, it could be fun."

So he throws himself over the balcony and plunges downward towards the street.  He passes the 12th floor, then the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th, and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT !! 

Up stairs, the bartender turns to the 1st man and says:

"You know Superman, you're a real a$$hole when you're drunk."

A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill. After some thought, he made a sign that read,

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read,

A local man was found murdered in his home over the weekend. Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub. The tub had been filled with milk and cornflakes, and the deceased had a banana protruding from his buttocks.

Police suspect a cereal killer.

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more f-cked up than you think.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's  newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't   getting any.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to   serve as a warning to others.

It is far more impressive when others discover your good   qualities without your help.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a   couple of  car payments.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him   how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.

Some days you are the bug. Some days you are the windshield.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of   that comes from bad judgment.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

>  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

There are two theories to arguing with women.   Neither one works.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in   their shoes.   That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you   can't be promoted.

Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

*If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have  produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth  it!)

*If you pass gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

*A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)

*Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)

*Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included in this list?)

*On average people fear spiders more than they do death.

*The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm.....)

*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

*The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...? Did the government pay for this research??)

*Polar bears are left handed. (Who knew....?,Who cares!)

*The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

*A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death.

*The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body.  The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off. ("Honey, I'm home.  What the....") 

*Some lions mate over 50 times a day.  (In my next life I still want to be a pig... quality over quantity!)

*Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, jeez!)

*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

*An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

*Starfish don't have brains.  (I know some people like that  too!)

*Remember, when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown.  BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and smack the idiot upside the head.

 Horoscopes 

12/22-01/19

01/20-02/16

02/17-3/20

03/21-04/19

04/20-05/20

05/21-06/20

06/21-07/22

07/23-08/22

08/23-09/22

09/23-10/22

10/23-11/21

11/22-12/21

  You think you're smart?? Try this out....
Read the sentence bellow and count the F's in that sentence. Count only once, don't go back a 2nd time.

< < < << < < << < : ANSWER:  > >> > > >> > > >

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nun in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?

"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pouncing the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...........

"Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!".

There now...... Feeling better?

I received this in e-mail and found it very funny.....

have a laugh on me! Enjoy!!!

The following is the Customer Service number for Brown & Williamson Tobacco Company. Dial the number and listen to their message, until the time you are requested to choose an extension - and then you can hang up.
The opening message is priceless though, and worth the toll-free call.
Try it - and you'll see what I mean!
1-800-578-7453

 OK, yes I did this one too...it is very interesting,
Something to entertain you when you are bored!
This is the actual number for National Discount Brokers

Every company should have an option #7.

1. Bad Cop!! No Doughnut!!

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University seniors.

For the answer, you'll have to email me SPLAT75@HOTMAIL.COM

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 30 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.  However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened but temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

Bill answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash.

Close your eyes...And go back in time.... 

Before the Internet or the MAC, before semi automatics and CRACK. 
Before SEGA-1 or PlayStation 2... 
Way back... 
I'm talkin' bout hide and go seek at dusk. Sittin' on the porch, hot bread and butter. The Good Humor Man. 
Red light, Green light. 
Chocolate milk, lunch tickets, penny candy in a brown paper bag. 
Playin' pinball in the corner store. 
Hopscotch, butterscotch, double-dutch, jacks, kickball, dodgeball. Mother May I? Red Rover and Roly Poly Hula Hoops. Sunflower Seeds, Jolly Ranchers, Banana Splits Wax Lips and Mustaches. Running through the sprinkler. 
The smell of the sun and lickin' salty lips.... 
Wait... 
Watchin' Saturday Morning cartoons, Fat Albert, Road Runner, He-Man, The Three Stooges, and Bugs; Or back further, listening to Superman on the radio. 
Catchin' lightning bugs in a jar, playing sling shot. When around the corner seemed far away, 
And going downtown seemed like going somewhere! 
Streetlights meant bedtime, climbing trees, an ice cream cone on a warm summer night: chocolate or vanilla or strawberry or maybe butter pecan. A cherry coke from the fountain at the corner drug store. 
A million mosquito bites and sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys 
and Indians, 
Sittin' on the curb, jumpin' down the steps. 
Jumpin' on the bed. 
Pillow fights. 
Runnin' till you were out of breath 
Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt 
Being tired from playin'.... Remember that? 
I'm not finished just yet... 
Remember when...... 
Eating Kool-aid powder with sugar. 
When there were two types of sneakers for girls and boys  (Keds & PF Flyers) and the only time you wore them at school, was for "gym." When it took five minutes for the TV to warm up, if you even had one. 
When nearly everyone's mom was at home when the kids got there. When nobody owned a purebred dog. 
When a quarter was a decent allowance, and another quarter a miracle. When milk went up one cent and everyone talked about it for weeks? When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny. When girls neither dated nor kissed until late high school, if then. When your Mom wore nylons that came in two pieces. When all of your male teachers wore neckties and female teachers had their hair done, everyday. 
When you got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped, without asking, for free, every time. And, you didn't pay for air. And, you got trading stamps to boot!
When laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed him or use him to carry groceries, and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents. 
When they threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed ..and did! When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home. 
Basically, we were in fear for our lives but it wasn't because of drive by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. 
Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! And some of us are still afraid of em!!! 
I want to go back to the time when............ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo." Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!" "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest. Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly." Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening. It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends. Being old, referred to anyone over 20.
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. It was unbelievable that dodge ball wasn't an Olympic event. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot. Nobody was prettier than Mom.
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare." Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures. No shopping trip was complete, unless a new toy was brought home. "Ollie-ollie-oxen-free" made perfect sense. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles. The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. War was a card game.
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon. Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle. Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors. 
If you can remember most or all of these, then you have LIVED!!!! 

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent, and are asleep.  Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend,

"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" ask The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute.

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,  it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Tonto, you Dumb Ass, someone has stolen our tent."

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?"

"You're coming empty handed"?

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild.....
Something she hasn't done before,.... so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

  She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

  She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

  To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

  Mary:  "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."

  Clerk: "Sorry about that.  We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

  Mary:  "Head Cleaner"

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes.
When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper so, he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand?"
The boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hand he'll get scared away."
He was then sent to the principal's office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was then sent home and his Mom asked him, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "Mom, its a little leprechaun, and if I open my hands he'll get scared away."
He was sent to his room until his Dad came in and said, "What do you have in your hand?"
So the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away."
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands NOW!"
And the little boy said, "Oh great Dad, now look what you did, you scared the crap out of him!"

An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up the young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. He got on the bed right over the women, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife said, "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a women in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck.....he was whispering in my ear. He thinks you're cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you too."

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a
round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his
wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming
around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to
Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes
back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he
must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to
clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now
he's all dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?"

How do you keep a man from drowning?

Take your foot off his head!

DUHHHH !!!!

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? 

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? 

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? 

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? 

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? 

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see to read.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

How do you know it's an ENDLESS LOOP?

Why is FOOTball played by hand?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? 

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? 

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? 

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? 

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? 

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? 

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? 

How can someone "draw a blank"? 

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? 

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? 

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?  

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? 

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

How do a fool and his money get together?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? 

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? 

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? 

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? 

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell? 

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? 

If the opposite of pro is con, is the opposite of progress congress?

Two football players, Bubba and Tiny, were taking an important exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the big game the following week. The exam was "fill in the blank" and the last question read,

"Old MacDonald had a_____."

Bubba was stumped -- he had no idea what to answer, but he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. 
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny in the shoulder.
"Tiny, what's the answer to the last question?" 
Tiny laughed, then looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed.
He turned to Bubba and said, "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows that Old MacDonald had a FARM." 
"Oh yeah," said Bubba, "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. Then he stopped. Tapping Tiny on the shoulder, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?" 
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy," hissed Tiny, "farm is spelled 'E-I-E-I-O'."

"When I was younger I hated going to weddings ...it seemed
that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to
come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling
me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that crap after I started
doing the same thing to them at funerals."

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting. 

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. 

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. 

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization 

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors. 

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage. 

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock. 

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. 

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. 

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. 

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside. 

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child. 

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on. 

Want to hear three blonde jokes? 



Listen to Hanson 

Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a
Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!

We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already
possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this
sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't
have time to take you shopping.

So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make
your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your
cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates
are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates
are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is
it? Just... forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your
hands. Perfect. Put it down.

On the counter, not the floor.

Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.

Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer
white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll... you're just staring at
me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what?
What kind of bread do you have?

Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.

Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than
three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of
Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?

OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.

Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and
beer, too. That's the one.

Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo... you're giving me that
look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise.
It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a
white sandwich spread but... fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on
the counter next to the bread.

OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say...
ugh! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip
where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the
cheese. Any kind will do. Oh, just pick one!

No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What in the world
are you doing with brie?

How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes!
That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now
go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can
happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for
baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat.
You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat.

That's bacon.

Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food.
No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you
don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.

OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich.
Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What
do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya
go! Now you need a knife.

Oh give me a break!

You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull.
Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before
you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No,
that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp.
Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring
knife!

OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the
Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on
the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.

Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave
the spread.

There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a
regular Julia Childs now!

She's a famous cook... nevermind.

OK, Now you are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of
bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just
pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's
opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one
of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.

Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.

Stop giggling.

The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife... the
other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of
cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting
the cheese! Just slice the stupid thing open!

Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord
help us all.

Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay
it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be
living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut
yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more
than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner!
Just... measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two
slices thick. What are you... DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!!

You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away!
You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this.
Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!

Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle
Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the
Miracle Whip side facing out!

Because I said so!!!

OK. Pick up the sandwich.

Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich!

An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out. 

After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness. 

The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?" 

The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'" 

The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?" 

"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied. 

So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'" 

The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog. 

Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse. 

Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!" 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5 and
Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first
pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother
have the first pancake. I can wait."

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be
Jesus."

Two old Ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when

it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the

end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and

announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks

at

her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but

politely

asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob
Smith! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's
house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept.  Using axes, they
bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They roughed up
Billy Bob a
little and swore at him and then left..

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, Buddy"

 A gentleman had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but found it to be occupied.

A lady noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and with a look of pain and anxiety on his face.

"Sir," she said, "the ladies restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling, he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Three white buttons were identified by the letters:

WW, WA, and PP,  and there was one red button labeled ATR.

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn't just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the WW button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men's restroom didn't have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the WA button.  Warm Air replaced the warm water, wafted and swirled about, gently drying his underside.

He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure. The ladies room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit.

When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy!...

The next thing he knew he was in the hospital, as soon as he opened his eyes, a nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

"What happened?  How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies restroom!"

"You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. "That last button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your pecker is under your pillow."

 A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
 The clerk says, "What size?"
 The guy says, "Gee, I don't know."
 The clerk says, "Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie; she grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium."
The guy is mortified; he hurries over to pay and get out of the store.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, the clerk asks the size, and again sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
 Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large."
 The guy struts over to the register, pays and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
The clerk says, "What size?"
 The kid embarrassedly says,
 "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
 The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4; she grabs him and yells,
 "Clean up in aisle 4!"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked,

"What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!"

This time the punishment is more severe,

"I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Adam leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an
application.

He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove
his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his
chest. They accepted that as proof, and give him his first check.

He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her
what had happened.

She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see
if you can also get disability!

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained. 

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm. 

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.
Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?" 

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken." 

Someday in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't
know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no
room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm
going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let
you decide who leaves."

Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the first
room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept diving in
and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in
hell.
"No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time
after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I
would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"
commented Bill.

The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Kenneth Starr, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. Clinton watched in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle
THIS!"

The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said, Beat 12 eggs separately. 
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me 
some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said, Serve without dressing. 
So I didn't dress.
What a surprise when Bob brought 
a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. Recipe said, Wash 
thoroughly before steaming the rice. 
It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath.
I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. 
I tried a new recipe. It said, Prepare ingredients, 
then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. 
Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was 
rolling around in the garden?

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, Put all 
ingredients in bowl and beat it. 
There must have been something wrong with this recipe. 
When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. 
He asked me to dress it for Sunday.
( oh boy)
For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. 
All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a 
flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven 
and set the controls for roast. It still came out 
hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good night, Dear Diary.
This has been a very exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try 
out a new recipe on Bob.
If we could just get a bigger oven, 
I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on"

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6".

He thanked her and continued playing golf.

On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on"

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales"

He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.

She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. It seems I'm still one hole behind you."

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car
Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin'Over
You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Woman But I've Sure Woke Up
With A Few

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are
in the hanger at
Newark, where the runway is
fogged in and they have nothing to do.

John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah," says Bill, "but I hear that you can drink jet
fuel, that it will
give
you a real buzz."

So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and
have a beautiful
time as
only drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he
gets up, but is
pleasantly surprised that he has no
hangover at all. The phone rings with Bill asking how
he feels. "I
feel
great!" says John, "No hangover!" "Me
neither," says Bill. "That jet fuel is great stuff and
no hangover,"
says
John. "We ought to do this
more often."

"Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you
fart yet?" "No,
why?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."

A woman decided to have her portrait painted.
She told the artist,
"Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." 

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. 

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband.
I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry." 

A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said,
"This is what I want to print: Bernie is dead."
The man at the newspaper said,
"But for $25 you are allowed to print six words.
" The woman answered,
"OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale."

One day a 6 year old daughter asked her mother:
"Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother answered:
"Honey, I'm sorry, but you know, women don't like to talk about their age."
The next day she aksed her mother:
"Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
The mother answered:
"Sweetie, women don't like to talk about their weight either, when you are older you will understand."
The following day, the girl asked her mother:
"Mommy, why did you and Daddy get divorced?"
Mom answered:
"Oh honey, this subject hurts so much to talk about right now, when I feel a little better about talking about it, you and I will discuss it then. I hope you understand." 

The next day, the little girl went to school and was talking to her friend.
Her friend said:
"I know how you can get at least two of the answers your looking for.
Just look at your moms drivers license.
There you will find her height and weight."
The little girl ran all the way home, up the stairs into her mommies room and looked in her purse for her license. 

The next day she went up to her mom and said:
"Mommy, I know how old you are!"
"You do?" said the mom.
"Yes", said the little girl
"You're 27years old.
And you know what else, mommy I also know how much you weigh."
"You do?" asked mom.
"Yes", said the little girl,
"You weigh 137 pounds.
And you know what else mommy," said the little girl,
"I also know why you and daddy got a divorce!"
"You do?
"Yes," said the little girl,
"Because you got an "F" in sex."

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. 

THE MORAL: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." 

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. 
I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" 

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 

Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front of the store. 

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. 
She asked, "What are all those clocks?" 
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." 
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" 
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." 
"Whose clock is that?" 
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life." 
Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" 
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan." 

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. 
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bummer day on the day that you died. 
The policy would go into effect the next day at 12:01, at noon the next day. 
The first person came to the gates of Heaven was a man, and the Angel at the gate promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died". 

'No problem," the man said. 
"I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. 
But her lover was no where in sight. 
I immediately began searching for her lover. 
My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! 
I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. 
But he landed in some trees and bushes and he didn't die. 
This ticked me off even more. 
In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. 
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator.
I unplugged it, pushed it out on to the balcony, and tipped it over the side. 
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! 
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly." 

The angel sat back and thought a moment. 
Technically, the guy DID have a bad day. 
It was a crime of passion. 
So, the Angel announced, "OK sir, Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in. 

A few seconds later the next guy to come in was Vernon Jordan.
The angel at the gate said, "Mr. Jordan, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died." 

Jordan said, "You're not going to believe this. 
I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises.
I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. 
I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! 
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the finger tips on the balcony below mine. 
But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there, face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls, lands on top of me-killing me instantly." The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Jordan finishes his story. I could get used to this new policy, he thinks. "Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to Heaven," and lets Vernon enter. 

A few seconds later, President Clinton comes up to the gate.
The angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel's head.
Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died." 

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding in a refrigerator...." 

In line two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, the other is four.
The nine year old grabs a box of Tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks,
"Oh these must for your Mom, huh?"
The nine-year old shakes his head and replies,
" Nope, not for my Mom."
Cashier:
"Well, then they must be for your sister."
Nine-year old:
"Nope not for my sister either.
"Cashier, curious now;
"If they're not for your Mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"
The nine-year old says.
"They're for my four-year old brother.
"Surprised, the cashier asks,
"Your little brother right here??
"The nine-year old explains;
"Well, yeah! They say on TV that if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either.

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doc said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up.
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. 
He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty!

"Who's been eating my porridge?", he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?"
"It was 'Momma Bear' who got up first."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who woke up everybody else in the house."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who made the coffee."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who set the table."
"It was 'Momma Bear' who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water & food dish."

"And, now that you've decided to drag your butts downstairs and grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, ...listen good, 'cause I'm only going to say this one more time......
"I haven't made the f***ing porridge, yet!!"

This straight guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but thinks, 
"What the heck, I really want a drink." 
When the waiter approaches he says to the customer,
"What's the name of your penis?" 
The customer says,
"Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."
The waiter says,
"I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." 
So the straight guy says,
"All right, what's the name of your penis?" 
The waiter says,
"NIKE ... you know, JUST DO IT." 
The customer thinks for a moment and says,
"The name of my penis is Secret."
The waiter asks, "SECRET?" 
The customer replies,
"Yeah ... strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!"

For anyone who feels they're invited to too many weddings lately, have a laugh..........

This was in a newspaper in South Carolina and even Jay Leno mentioned it on the Tonight Show.
This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd.
He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.
He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him.
So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope.
He said that this was his gift, and told everyone to open their envelopes.
Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his best man having sex...with the bride.
He had gotten suspicious of the two of them and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes.
He turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
He turned to his bride and said "F--- you!"
And then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here!"

He had the marriage annulled the first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway, as if nothing was wrong.

His revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests for a wedding and reception.
Letting everyone know exactly what did happen.
And, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends and their entire families.
This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might see one of those MasterCard
"Priceless" commercials out of this? Huh?

Elegant wedding for 300 family and guests -- $32,000
Photographers for the wedding -- $3,000 Deluxe
Honeymoon accommodations in Maui for 2 weeks -- $8,500
The look on everyone's faces after seeing a photo of the Bride and Best Man having sex.........
PRICELESS

A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). 
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. 
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear." 

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a bar stool.
After ordering a drink and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.
In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, you should know something.
The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6' tall,200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.
What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter.
The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler.
Think about it seriously, Mister, You still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy thinks a moment and says,
"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times." 

A couple has a dog that snores.
Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah, right," she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles.
Sure enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him.
So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over.
He stumbles into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,
"Boy, I don't remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place."

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. 

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." 

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" 

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' It would make me feel so much better." 

"Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" 

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. 

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" 

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. 

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an ADULT.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle.
I want to see who can blow the biggest bubble.
I want to think M&M's are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to drink Kool-Aid, and eat lemonheads with my friends.
I don't want to change clothes because I got a little dirty.
I want to enjoy everyday like its summer vacation.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. 

When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and TV show theme songs, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again, like a new hot wheel.
I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more illness, and loss of loved ones. 
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination and mankind.
I want to be in the roller derby and actually believe The Three Stooges are real. So...here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements, my pager, my Cell Phone, my palm pilot, my fax machine and my DVD player, and last but not least my mortgage book.
I am officially resigning from adulthood. 
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first cause... 

"TAG YOU'RE IT AND YOU HAVE COOTIES" 

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he came to one house.
It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. 

The next day, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate.
Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." 

Since you are all students of the bible, you all should be laughing by now. 
But for those who skipped too many religious classes:

Revelation 3:20 reads: 
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me." 

Genesis 3:10 reads:
"And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

There are these two guys named John and Cliff.
They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not. 
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago 
White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend. 
"Hi, John." 
"Cliff, is it really you?" 
"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up.
And, you know John, there's good news and bad news." 
"Okay. What's the good news?" 
"There is baseball in heaven." 
"The bad news?" 
"You're pitching tomorrow night." 

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy." 
Henry Kissinger 

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are:
eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.
Are they kidding?
That is my idea of a perfect day! 

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one.
"Me, too," said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was just full of worms.
They ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.
"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Me neither. Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"O.K.," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. 
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought... 


"I just love baskin' robins." 

A C-141 was preparing for departure from Thule Greenland, and they were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, but the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. 

When the Aircraft Commander berated the Airman for his lack of speed and threatened him with punishment, the Airman responded:
"Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I am stationed in Thule, Greenland, and I am pumping sh!t out of airplanes.
Just what are you planning to do to punish me?" 

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,
"But they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

1. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929, "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces, "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.

2. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

3. Dentist have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 ft. away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

4. The liquid inside young coconut can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

5. American car horns beep in the tone of F.

6. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times.

7. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

8. 1 in every 4 Americans have appeared on TV.

9. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching TV.

10. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

11. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

12. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

13. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brothers' first flight.

14. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first class.

15. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

16. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".

17. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in themorning.

18. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

19. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

20. Betsy Ross is the only real person to every have been the head on a Pez dispenser.

21. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all the Nike factor workers in Malaysia combined.

22. Marilyn Monroe had 6 toes on one foot.

23. Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

24. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing their hands in jelly.

25. Pearls melt in vinegar.

26. It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.

27. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, Budweiser, in that order.

28. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

29. Average life span of a major league baseball....7 pitches.

30. A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

31. The reason firehouses have circular staircases is because of the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

32. Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letter from the word "criminal".

33. The second...William Jefferson Clinton. (GO FIGURE)

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?" 
Defendant: "No, I did not." 
Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?" 
Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder."

"The Buttered Bread on Cat Theorem" 

QUESTION: 
If you strapped a slice of buttered bread to the back of a cat, which way down would it land? 

EXPLICATION OF THE QUESTION 
If when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (buttered side up) and dropped it off a center point tower? 

THEOREM 
Even if you are too lazy to do the experiment yourself you should be able to deduce the obvious result. The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. 
If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. 
That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some of the cat's limbs, allowing descent. 
Most of the civilized species of the Universe already use this principle to drive their ships while within a planetary system. The loud humming heard by most sightseers of UFOs is, in fact, the purring of several hundred tabbies. 
The one obvious danger is, of course, if the cats manage to eat the bread off their backs they will instantly plummet. Of course the cats will land on their feet, but this usually doesn't do them much good, since right after they make their graceful landing several tons of red-hot starship and pissed off aliens crash on top of them.

Some of the actual signs and bumper stickers spotted around the country... 

** On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed." 

** Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak." 

** At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." 

** At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." 

** In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." 

** On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push." 

** At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." 

** On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." 

** In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" 

** At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." 

** In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." 

There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, 'Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.' 

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us.' 

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'Just follow my lead.' 

They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. 

A guy at the door says, 'Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.' 

The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' 

The guy at the door says, 'A Doberman Pinscher?' 

He says, 'Yes, they're using them now, they're very good.' 

The guy at the door says, 'Come on in.' 

The guy with the Chihuahua figures, 'Why not,' so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. 

The guy at the door says, 'Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.' 

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.' 

The guy at the door says, 'A Chihuahua?' 

The guy with the Chihuahua says, 'You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?' 

When you have had one of those take-this-job-and-shove-it days, try this. 
On your way home after work, stop at a pharmacy and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Q-tip.
(Be very sure that you get this brand.) 
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. 
Change into comfortable clothing and lie down on your bed. 
Open the package containing the thermometer, remove the thermometer, and carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. 
Read the material that accompanies the thermometer.
You will notice in small print the statement that,
"every rectal thermometer by Q-Tip is PERSONALLY tested". 
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times,
"I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-Tip Company".

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts,
"Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" 

The Panda yells back to the bartender,
"Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for "panda:

Four men went golfing one day.
Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others,
"My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."
The second man said,
"My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged,
"My son is a stockbroker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned,
"We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?"
The fourth man replied,
"Well, my son is gay and dances in a gay bar."
The other three men grew silent and gasped as he continued.
"I am not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."