Cowboy sayings and jokes and other funnies

Never Ask a man the size of his spread

Some Cowboy Sayings on Women:

She Had about as much warmth as an icicle

She soon had em walkin the fence

You couldn't stop her with a 40 ft. rope and a snubbin post

She wore so much paint you couldn't see her blush

She wasn't fit for a drinking man to hole up with

She was as soft and fluffy as a goose down pillow

She was more ornamental than useful

pretty as a basket of chips

pretty as a lil red wagon

pretty as a red heiffer in a flower bed

She might had a short rope but shore threw a wide loop

she soon had em cinched by the last hole

There was this cowboy and he had been riding his horse across the great plains on his way to California nonstop. Both he and his horse had gone days without sleep. As he rode in to one of the few towns on his trip he decided to stop in at the saloon and get a shot of wiskey to satisfy his thirst. As he got off his horse he realized that since his horse had not slept in a few days it might fall asleep now that they had finally stoped and it might take a few hours to wake his horse up.

He grabbed this young indian who just happen to be walking by told him of his predicament, he then asked the indian if he could run back and forth in front of his horse to keep it wake while he was tending his thirst in the bar. The indian agreed. After a few drinks the cowboy forgot about the trip as he made friends and drank down round after round in the bar. As the hours past a cowboy entered the front door of the sallon and asked who owned the brown and white horse out front. The cowboy who owned the horse said "I do so what about it?" Well replied the cowboy you left your Injin' running

A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it goin?"
Horse: "Cool."
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)......
Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!"

Some More Cowboy Sayings

ON BEING CRAZY:
kinda off his mental reservation
his intelligence shore aint at this camp
he's studying to be a half wit
as crazy as a sheepherder
somebody stole his rudder
he was plumb weak North of his ears
as crazy as popcorn on a hot skillett crazier than a run over coon

ON HORSES:
Gentle enuff to stake on a hair pin
he can turn on a button and never scratch it
can cut a gopher from a hole
can turn on a quarter and leave ya enuff change for a beer! Now I like that!!
he could buck off a mans whiskers
he couldn't throw a wet blanket

ON DUMB:
Couldn't teach a hen to cluck
couldn't cut a lame cow from a shade tree
couldn't drive a nail in a snow bank
got nothing under his hat but hair
couldn't track an elephant in snow

On being Happy:
as pleased as a pup with 2 tails
as chipper as a jay bird
grinnin like a jack ass eatin cactus
Grinnin like a weasel in a hen house

YOU MIGHT BE A COUNTRY CHURCH IF....
1. The doors are never locked.
2. The Call to Worship is , "Y'all come on in!"
3. People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.
4. The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the
offering"-and five guys stand up.
5. The restrooms are outside.
6. Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an
official church holiday.
7. A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck
because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out
of."
8. In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge

of "two calves."
9. Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors
had to buy any meat or vegetables.
10. When it rains, everybody's smiling.
11. Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part
of every worship service.
12. A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."
13. The church directory doesn't have last names.
14. The pastor wears boots.
15. Four generations of one family set together in worship every
Sunday.
16. The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is
during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave
them a bag of squash.
17. There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.
18. Baptism is referred to as "branding."
19. There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.
20. Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
21. You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that
afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your
health and 3 visitors with pies!
22. High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to
howling.
23. People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish
were bass or catfish.
24. It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.
25. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back
now, ya hear!"

The RattleSnake

A cowboy was riding his horse accross his pasture. A snake spooked his
horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and
yelled "Don't bite me!"
The snake said "NO, I'm a genie snake, I can give you three wishes.
What would you like me to grant you?"
The cowboy thought for a minute. Then said "A million dollars in the
bank."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Again the cowboy thought. Then said "The most beautiful wife in the
world."
The snake said, "Granted, next."
Then with a great big smile on his face he said "I want to be hung like
my horse."
The snake said "Granted" and slithered off.
The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him.
He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stre tched across his
bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world.

So he picked up the phone called the bank a nd asked for his balance.
The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed
into the bathroom.
Unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry. "I forgot I
was riding OLD NELLIE!"

ADULT HORSE RACE
Lineup:
1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Dick
9. Heavy Bosom
10. Merry cherry
THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.

AT THE HALF MILE POLE:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Dick.

AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.

AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes
everything Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final
thrust and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up...
& Clean Sheets never had a chance.

THE RODEO POSITION

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.
The first guy says his favorite position is the "rodeo".
The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and
then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - "Your sister likes
this position too" and then try to hang on for 8 seconds."

How To Be A Good
Team Roper's Wife

1. Make sure you have a full time, well paying job, so you can take on the responsibility of the bills and free up more of his paycheck for roping.

2. Get a Degree from the Acme School of Chute Help, so you can help him when he practices. They teach you: which hotshot is best, how to handle those cantankerous roped out steers, how to get steer guacamole out of those hard to reach places, and all the right terms to use, so you can talk intelligently about roping; you'll never be asked your opinion, of course, but you won't embarrass him if front of anyone.

3. The new carpet and fixing the fridge can wait. The chutes need to be rebuilt, he needs a new rope, he needs new steers to practice with, that big jackpot's coming up this weekend . . .

4. Gas up and wash the truck on your way home from work the night before the roping, and don't forget to check the oil. Get up early on roping day so you can feed and clean up the horses. He'll be sleeping in, so he can look good and rope his best.

5. Dress real nice when you go with him, or you'll find yourself sitting at home. But don't look better than he does!

6. Stay away from him unless he needs your help, like handing him something, peeling him a grape, wiping his sweating brow . . . don't be off talking to your friends when he's out of the arena, in case he needs you. Don't bug him, just look pretty and don't embarrass him.

7. Don't ever criticize him!! Listen to his excuses and keep you lip zipped!! It wasn't his fault his horse set up on him, or he ducked off, or he missed his dally because the brought the new rope that's too stiff, or his loop closed up because he brought his old worn out rope, or . . .
Of course you can always rope with him, but that's another story . .
Thanks to the one and only back wasker for that one!Jerry

Pierre and Boudreaux were flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was
flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo
equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulance an started
bouncing around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da
plane started driftin. Pierre him come run up to da front an
Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel.

Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get
panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis
is Cajun Air Line 10210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I
don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer. "Don' you worry about
nutin. We gona splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step
ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus', how high are you
an what's you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all
da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you
location?"

Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how
many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to
da airport!"

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's
an mine we got four feet off da ground an I don't believe dis
plane's related to you airport!"

A long pause --- "We needs to know who you next of kin is and
where to send da flowers!"